Awesome Article

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

Inividuality

you know i'm so sick of having so many things in common with a certain annoying extra appendage.

it just makes me so sick that i can't be who i am or what i want to be when she's around.

i have to play the role she's familiar with. i have to be who she thinks i am.

and i just lose my sense of individuality. people start to associate us together. if i'm there she's supposed to be there as well.

i. just. want. to. do. my. own. thing.

the. way. i. want. it.

is it me, or does it seem like she always want to have what i have? thereby indirectly taking it away from me? because i get so sick of pretending i actually enjoy sharing it, that i just give in and give it up and let her take it over completely?

i know some people actually like sharing.

i like sharing too.

but not with someone with whom i was FORCED to share every bloody fucking single thing with ever since she arrived.

as if i had no independent will of my own.

as if i didn't deserve to have things of mt own.

as if i wasn't worth a damn fucking thought.

as if i was there just to facilitate her existence.


i love sharing.

but when you make me give it up, when you take it by force, that isn't sharing.

get your facts straight.


i am my own person. i have my own life. now get out of it. i don't get into yours, now do i? you made it pretty clear that i wasn't welcome.

but i can't do the same to you, lest certain people write me off as bullying you, or being selfish, or being mean.


and you have no right to criticise me should i decide not to let you borrow my stuff.

you want to steal my style as well?

thank god you're leaving.

then i can leave as well. then i can live.

The Heart-wrenching Story Of My Life

such is my luck

that i find the perfect guy

the PERFECT guy

sweet, humble, funny, kind, caring, slightly vulnerable, out going, friendly, honest, witty, can still surprise me with the littlest things AND smart AND is taller than me

and he thinks that he isn't good enough for anyone

moreover he already has someone else in mind

and i know this because he told me that he isn't good enough for this other girl.

excellent, two strikes in one blow.

and i don't know what to do about it.

i hate this feeling.

i feel immensely vulnerable yet very much happy at the same time.

it sucks.

and to top it all off, he might, he just might like me as well.

if his body language isn't miscommunicating.

i never should have let myself fall.

but he's perfect. ='(

The Curse Of The First Born

Nobody knows the troubles i see.... Nobody knows my sorrow....

i don't know if all first-borns out there can relate to this, but it sucks to be the first born in the family.

oh sure, you might think that we get all the stuff first hand, we never get hand-me-downs, we set the trail for our siblings to follow...

but behind the thin veil of the rather dull glitz and glamour,is a whole load of responsibility and expectations that only the first born child of the family is supposed to bear- freeing all other siblings of the role.

as a first born, you're expected to take care of your younger siblings, and in the view of the parents, that means sharing your stuff whether you want to or not, giving them stuff that we actually might still want to keep, thank you very much, giving in to their ridiculous whims and tantrums, letting them climb all over you without uttering a single complaint, letting them choose the better of EVERYTHING EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET THE FIRST CHOICE, HELLO... and your parents... your parents, who up until then had fussed over YOU AND ONLY YOU, now stand behind you, judging you by your every move how you treat the new baby...

you're supposed to be the chew toy when their teeth start coming in, when they hit you, it's FUCKING ADORABLE, but when you hit THEM, whoa, why are you being such a bitter, vindictive elder sibling? have you no compassion? apparently younger siblings have absolutely no fucking clue as to what they are doing, that's why we should just sit back and let them do whatever the hell they please. and us, on the other hand, have been bestowed with infinitely more knowledge and understanding than them just because we have a few years on them. hence, we have to be the good example, the shining beacon which they will use as a guide to shape their lives.

and that's all just during childhood...

when you get older, the parents fucking start blaming you if anything goes wrong with the younger ones, as if they are totally devoid of the responsibility of raising them. i mean, hello, we can't cross the younger ones, should they tell on us, and if we tell on them, we're tattling.

and we're supposed to get "equal amounts" of every shit thing, because of course the parents love us both "EQUALLY". yet he first born is still expected to shoulder more burden, because, well, you ARE the first born...

and we're supposed to watch out for the younger one, thereby impeding their personal growth and development into someone independent. what kind of reasoning on the parents' behalf is that?!?!

and then when THEY make mistakes later in life, it's still overlooked, as if they are still fucking ignorant of their actions. you get reprimanded for the same mistakes, or even less, whilst they get to go off scott-free.

and chores. CHORES. you're expected to do pretty much everything, because yours is the name they remember most. and apparently the other kid is too young to do shit except whatever they want.

and there you sit, under-appreciated for the better part of your life, and you are the one expected to take care of your parents in their old age. because apparently, they've been looking after you the longest.

urgh. fuck this shit.

A Step Forward

my best friends have always told me that i'm too nostalgic, too depressing, too pessimistic, a real mood killer yadda yadda....

when i'm told these things, i don't get affected, because i know that i'm not any of these, and that what they say is true as of that moment.

lately i've found myself to be cheery to the point of being annoying.

and i realised that i'm cheery around people i like, but don't really know well. and i find myself asking this- why do i seem to be happier around new acquaintances but not when i'm with my nearest, dearest friends, around whom i tend to be macabre and dreary?

well, one could attribute it to the tendencies of people to compensate for other people lack, because i have such fun, lively friends, i simply have to take on the boring persona to maintain a shred of balance in the group...

but i think that the main issue is that my best friends are such awesome people who mean so much to me that i am in constant fear of losing them. so i always appreciate every moment with them... and the sense of nostalgia is rather strong...

i mean, i could be cheery and fun, but then who would be the one to rein you guys in? :P

if i chose to just enjoy every moment with them, without regard as to whether they would still be in my life after that or not, then i wouldn't be doing justice to what they really meant to me.

as we grow up and grow into life (aka adulthood), mature friendships really mean a lot.

i mean, of course you could make new friends who would still get you...

and of course you would change and thus have new friends who are a better fit for the new you...

but unless you really sucked when you were with your old friends, or your old friends really suck, old friends are a gem.

they remind you of who you were, what your childhood ideals were, what made you become the you you are now....

they relate to your experiences in your younger days, most probably because they were right there with you... new experiences count as well, but you can't deny the person you used to be... unless you used to suck la, of course.

and you would also act as each other's yardsticks by which you can measure how far you've come along in life...

and they are also the people you know will enrich your life so much more, just by being there.

they are the ones you know who'll make life tons more bearable in the face of adversity.

not to mention how well you get along and share so many perspectives and are able to make each other laugh because you are the elite few who get each other's jokes, ya-huh. :D

so, to all my friends to whom i complain that i don't get to see you enough, that we haven't spent enough time together and lament about how short life is and how precious and fragile our friendship is.... it's because i really appreciate you. and you are the ones who are able to actually cause me hurt in any way.

i am emotionally invested in you. that's why i worry about my investment :P when i don't really care about what happens to other people, that's when i can be light-hearted and disconnected because they wouldn't really matter.

that's why i say that you are lucky when you hang out with the sad JO =\

i love you.

hmm, this sounds like a suicide note....

but maybe only metaphorically, maybe the old me is dying... maybe.

Life, Death.

you may call me macabre, depressed, suicidal or whatever else you please. but the fact is that death is beautiful. interpret it however you may, but know that i am only saying this from a poetic point of view.

when we are young, we are so much more in touch with death. we have not much to lose.

as we grow into this world, we grow attached to it. we stand to lose more and more. the thought of it simply horrifies me.

why do we grow attached? is it simply in our nature? what if we do not grow attached? would we then be considered abnormal?

i have always never felt normal, never related to what most of society deems as "acceptable". never felt the same needs and wants. and i was, in a sense, proud of that. because i recognised that i was different. yet, that made me feel infinitely alone- because i was ridiculed and isolated by those who did not have the brain capacity to comprehend the diversity in other people.

now, however, i have discovered more and more like-minded individuals like myself. and it is refreshing indeed to start to feel that sense of belonging, of being a part of something bigger than yourself. it has however, shaken my longstanding view of myself- that i am alone. my defenses have always been raised. but there is getting less and less need for it now. and i am afraid that should i let them drop, that i will not know how to raise them again should the need arise.

aside from that, why does it seem to me that society always has a say in how i conduct myself and what i do? it is getting really annoying.

Rivers

just came back from a short camp at chenderiang, perak.

went up-river wading.

it was bloody mind-blowingly fantastic.

went up against the currents just after a heavy downpour...

gallons of water, coming full force at you, under currents dragging you down, currents sweeping you off your feet, rapids racing over rocks, unstable footing every step of the way...

conquered the full force of the river coming down through a two-metre wide gap between two boulders... with some much needed help. someone almost got swept away, had to help hold on to them and pull them up :D

it was i.n.s.a.n.e.

throughout, i learned so much about the geological structure of rivers... and linked them to lessons we should learn in life...



before you conquer the sea, one must first conquer the river.

pools of love which overflow become a river of love that flows on and on.

still waters run deep. way deep.

to avoid the rapids of your life from sweeping you away, hold on to the rock beneath the rapids.

always get a secure hold on wherever you are before moving on.

life is like a river, forever moving, forever changing, relentless, but as the river swells and subsides, so does life.

This Morning I Saw

This morning i saw the street sweeper,
sweeping the rubbish,
along the busy road,
as i passed by in my car,
with the air conditioning on,
the windows up,
the radio playing,
as i drove on to work,
in a comfortable office,
at a desk.

This morning i saw the scrap collector,
lugging her haul on the back of her bicycle,
on the way to the scrap-yard,
to try to scrape together a few ringgit,
to feed her family,
as i ate my breakfast,
in a nice restaurant,
where i was taxed,
for the service.

This morning i saw the town gardener,
tending to the bushes,
which line our roads,
and beautify our town,
as i finished my snack,
and wanted to throw away the wrapper,
by simply littering,
but had second thoughts,
and looked around for a rubbish bin instead.

This morning i saw the night guard,
grumpy and tired,
staring listlessly,
finishing his shift,
as i set about my day,
fresh from a good night's sleep.

This morning i was conflicted,
as to what was wrong with our world,
where we are taught to love,
to be kind and giving,
why is no one kind to these people,
who are just like you and me,
but for their place in society,
do we shun,
base on smarts and capability,
which are pretty moot,
if not used for a cause greater than ourselves.

The rich can afford to worry about the trivial,
which is just what it is- trivial.
if what one thinks about defines one,
then trivial are those who mind the trivial.
the less privileged go about their business,
day to day.
what would they do should their places trade for a spell,
and i wonder too about me.

Would it dear sir,
placate or sting,
that your toil became the herald,
of thine demise to the masses bring?

- In memory of Steve Jobs. who was a great businessman and entrepreneur. whether or not we liked his products.

A limerick (for drunkards)

A limerick (for drunkards):
1 + 1 = 2,
"1" is me and "2" is you,
as of now this much is true,
I am half as drunk as you!
=D

- August 19 at 3:34pm

A limerick (for drunkards)

A limerick (for drunkards):
1 + 1 = 2,
"1" is me and "2" is you,
as of now this much is true,
I am half as drunk as you!
=D

- August 19 at 3:34pm

Da 2011

Just one last night with you,
one more that you would stay,
before off again you flew,
so we danced the night away. ♥

- August 24 at 8:54am

The Broken Ballerina

The broken ballerina
Now lies at the bottom of the chest
Arms and legs askew
Her tune no more to play.
Once full of grace,
A pretty face,
Now dirtied and distorted and out of place.

The broken ballerina,
Had once danced to great applause,
Had once danced to great delight.
Once dreamed of dance of greater cause,
Once dreamed of stages of gossamer light.

Who once across the stage she'd flown,
Now no longer takes steps her own.
Who once was held in high regard,
Now lain aside in coarse discard.

The broken ballerina,
Once so magnificent to behold,
Unparalleled in grace and beauty so bold,
Ethereal were the worlds she created,
But to linger in them it wasn't fated.

The broken ballerina,
Dreams and passions torn asunder,
As dance as she could, she can no longer.
Though limbs and body are now apart,
The greatest loss is her broken heart.



Footnote: feedback/ your interpretation is greatly appreciated :D

Ooh, Revelation!

i am beginning to think that maybe God made us differently with different wants and different needs and different abilities and different concerns and different levels of determination and different gauges of caring/ empathy/ sympathy and different degrees of aloofness and different ambitions and different perceptions and different perspectives and different levels of satisfaction and different levels of self-confidence and different gauges of happiness.

i am dumbfounded as to why.

i mean i can hazard a guess... maybe to make the world more diverse and interesting? for Himself and for us?

other than that, it baffles me as to why He would bless some with great fortune and others with naught. i thought that He was supposed to love us equally. No? or maybe His definition of equality and ours are not the same, and we must bend to His will, and accept His definition. then shall i just stand idly by and watch suffering as He does? or help? but what if it is not their fate that they receive help? which is the test, and what will i be judged by? (okay, too deep. i know. yuck.)

what's essentially on my mind is why some people can be complacent with their lot in lives, whilst same others can't. and where i stand in it all.

what drives one to improve oneself? is there ever an end-point? i believe not. then is happiness really the ultimate goal? of self-fulfillment? or reaching a point where you can lay content?