One-Liners

Awesome one liners i stumbled upon ;)

these made me laugh. :

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

No one is listening until you fart.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. (LMAO)

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I think, therefore I'm single. (<3)

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

Trust but verify.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.