Change Insecurity

phew, check out the long previous post. initially i intended to blog this post, but it had to come out somewhere, i suppose.

so yeah, i hate it when i'm sick and all my worst insecurities surfaced and kinda consume me. especially when the pain becomes somewhat unbearable. jumping always seems like such a merciful and quick option. if my body wasn't already exhausted and dizziness preventing me from making it all the way there it would become very much more real.

it's like, all my past regrets or embarrassments or anything i don't feel particularly content with about myself are all i can think about. and then i go and start making up bad stuff to think about myself. i realise the absurdity of it throughout the entire process, but i still can't help it.

it's just very disturbing to be sick AND depressed at the same time. =(

and then sometimes you lose track of what's real or happening, and you just come up with stories. and i lose the sense of myself. bad.

anyways, i think i'm being conditioned to fit into society more and more. not a good thing- society is fake and ugly. what with all it's airs and civilities and pretenses. i don't care if you ask me "how do you do" if you don't mean it. i'd rather someone told me they hated my shirt or something as long as they meant it.

the business world is fake. what with selling image and making money and whatnot.

anyways, i think i'll try this whole "changing" fad. it sounds to me like it could be fun. nah, don't worry, if i ever grow old and outgrow that phase i'll change back and be a wise old woman.