Switching Back to Me

so for the past year or so i've been feeling very discontented and morbid despite all the wonderful things going on in my life. most would say that i was being incredibly ungrateful and unappreciative- but to me, happiness is subjective, and when one feels happy, satisfaction and gratitude won't be far behind.

but the cause for my personal discontent was due to a feeling of abandonment and hunger for the comfort of the familiar, the level of sharing between friends that only years of camaraderie can foster. so when 80% of my closest friends, the people with whom i somehow managed to connect with on a very different level, the people with whom i found an eerie compatibility with, departed yet again to the dreaded places with names that begin with the letter "U", i felt a very large, very uniquely shaped void in my life.

now psychologists would tell you that according to the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, certain needs need to be fulfilled, certain goals need to be achieved, certain desires need to be gratified, before you can feel satisfied and achieve a higher level of success, of fulfill a higher class of needs.

now, i had once tasted all the levels, if i may say so myself. not to a very large degree, but my toe was definitely in that pool for a bit, up till the highest level. (Check it out to see what i'm talking about.) And that was because i had achieved, or well, was in the luxury of being provided with the basic needs, and had the pleasure of being exposed to the higher levels as well. now that is all very fine and dandy, me having achieved the higher class of our humanistic requirements. but i was visibly (strictly metaphorically speaking, of course) shaken when i lost one of the MIDDLE levels- the one labelled "Love/Belonging" when my main source that provided me with the love and belonging i needed left me stranded and alone. now, you may question why i didn't appreciate still having my family and other people in my life. there is a certain level of intimacy you share with your friends, your peers, that allows you to connect and bring out a side of you that you usually would not allow to be seen, and that is the side that truly makes you happy. so i was sorely missing that aspect of my life.

so for the last 9 months (or more), i was left dazed and wandering alone in the big scary world, to pretty much fend for myself, to tend to my own emotional needs, to grapple with my own bipolar demons, without the love and support of people with whom i could relate and who could relate to me... and let me tell you, being alone in your head with exaggerated, baseless, hyperbolic fears and insecurities, without the reassuring comfort and the logical and emphatic dismissal of your thoughts by your friends who know you best, is a very nasty place to be. for me, that was limbo- empty, meaningless, endless.

now let me just make it clear that i did not in any way strive to distance myself from society, or close myself off to new possibilities, or stop trying in any way. i made an effort to make new friends, i strove to find things in common with them, i kept an open mind to everything around me (because i had already learned the traits "lack of prejudice" and "acceptance of facts" seated in the highest level of the hierarchy). but nothing came close, or seemed to compare... was i setting my sights too high? were expectations and mindsets acting as barriers to me finding new friends? i didn't think so, but we definitely lacked the level of intimacy and depth i once had with my old friends. in a sense, they had ruined the world for me by being so amazing and then leaving me all alone. and i couldn't blame them for that, but that doesn't mean that i did not mourn the fact.

then i tried other avenues to distract myself, to substitute the satisfaction derived from a well-seasoned, mature friendship. i engrossed myself in outdoor activities, sought the unconditional love a child provides, took on numerous assignments, widened my social circle so as to meet so many more new people that i could forget about the old ones i loved, participated in any and all sorts of activities in an effort to drown out the sweetest of memories i had with bold new experiences. but each and every one fell short. my life has been one which society would deem very much full and should provide much satisfaction to the average layman. however, i do not derive any amount of pleasure whatsoever from rubbing shoulders with celebrities, having a large network of people i barely know or having a whole arsenal of activities in which i participated to list on my CV (the activities do provide oodles of fun, i do not deny that :D). i have simple needs which nestle quietly on the third level of the hierarchy. i merely yearn for the companionship of people with whom i could connect with, share with, explore life with. and in time learn more about them and they learn about me and we can bring out the best in each other.

search as i might, nothing could fill the void. new friends are fine, but the history i had with old friends is indisputably irreplaceable.

but now, my friends are back, for the briefest of spells, but back nonetheless. hopefully it would be sufficient to let me regain the joy i had when we were once together, to satisfy my third level need, and then maybe i can learn to appreciate life again. because looking back now, i think that i disregarded all the good things happening to me because i had lost a "satisfied need". and i was attempting to fulfill it, and it's absence was obscuring me from seeing the good in my life.

the hard candy, however sweet, is nothing without it's chewy center. i need my chewy center. it fills me, supports me internally, and is the element that adds the surprise, joy and sparkle to everything that i do.

this post is dedicated to those who are my chewy center. <3 =D