Reality Calling

i am feeling so terribly SELF DESTRUCTIVE right now.

reality just called. and it wasn't pretty.

you know how we were taught to dream, and that we can do anything we want, and that we should strive to achieve our dreams?

Reality: "Oh, that's just a truck load of bullshit, didn't you get the memo?"
without even a cursory "i'm sorry" thrown in there.

because the reality is that we are living our dreams- and we are about to get a rude awakening.

life so far, for me if not for you, has been a life provided to me by my parents. by their effort, by their hard work, by their enterprises.

and here's the reality: Life is not like that. we, at some point, need to achieve things from our own efforts. that means getting a job, no more spending without a second thought, managing your own expenses, making your own choices, regulating your own lifestyle and facing the harsh realities without something to fall back on.

i am of course speaking from my perspective. should you be lucky enough to be the offspring of people who can afford to set up a trust fund for you, or bestow a sizeable sum to you as inheritance or something equivalent to that, or somehow leave behind a steady means of income thereby relieving you of the distress of having to find a means of supporting yourself, it would come as no surprise should you not relate to where i'm coming from.

nonetheless, my reality is that i will enter the work force earning minimal wage, being stuck in a job maybe without prospects or maybe one that i will hate, always striving for my ideals, never knowing whether or not i will ever achieve them, while whatever i earn will go to scraping by for the basic necessities and supporting my parents.

the whole illusion of earning high salaries and soaring through the ranks getting promotion after promotion is now in pieces around me. it is not that i am discounting my own abilities. but the numbers. the market, the economy speaks for itself. and also the realisation that with more salary comes more responsibilities. so there goes my dream of owning a place i call home that i acquired by myself, fashioned to my specific tastes, there goes my dream of having an excess of monetary resources that i just have to give as excessively to charity, there goes my dream of globetrotting without a care in the world, there goes blissful ignorance, there goes not having to worry about anything except my petty insecurities, there goes my stay in Neverland (checkout time is at Responsibility O'clock, we hope you've enjoyed your stay. We will never be seeing you again, have a nice life. =D)

so i will admit that my contention is partly due to reservations about taking on more responsibility, but i resent that i have to take on so much. well, look who's talking like a spoilt child. i blame it on an improperly fulfilled childhood.

i suppose once it gets through my thick skull that i'm not as unfortunate as i think i am, and that life has been pretty good to me and that i should pay my dues, i'll see things in a different light. but the dreams and expectations will forever be there, prevailing in the echoes of my mind... oh look at me being dramatic... but true.

maybe life has been too good and i am unwilling to let go of it.

oh to have the luxury to question life and judge society whilst i lounge in my study on a breezy afternoon enjoying tea.

like Oscar Wilde and CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien and the famous authors who could afford to write because they had the money to fund their whimsical lifestyles of pursuing the arts.

fuck life fuck happiness fuck society fuck expectations fuck limitations fuck age fuck years fuck needs and wants fuck reality fuck ideals fuck dreams

just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckit