A Step Forward

my best friends have always told me that i'm too nostalgic, too depressing, too pessimistic, a real mood killer yadda yadda....

when i'm told these things, i don't get affected, because i know that i'm not any of these, and that what they say is true as of that moment.

lately i've found myself to be cheery to the point of being annoying.

and i realised that i'm cheery around people i like, but don't really know well. and i find myself asking this- why do i seem to be happier around new acquaintances but not when i'm with my nearest, dearest friends, around whom i tend to be macabre and dreary?

well, one could attribute it to the tendencies of people to compensate for other people lack, because i have such fun, lively friends, i simply have to take on the boring persona to maintain a shred of balance in the group...

but i think that the main issue is that my best friends are such awesome people who mean so much to me that i am in constant fear of losing them. so i always appreciate every moment with them... and the sense of nostalgia is rather strong...

i mean, i could be cheery and fun, but then who would be the one to rein you guys in? :P

if i chose to just enjoy every moment with them, without regard as to whether they would still be in my life after that or not, then i wouldn't be doing justice to what they really meant to me.

as we grow up and grow into life (aka adulthood), mature friendships really mean a lot.

i mean, of course you could make new friends who would still get you...

and of course you would change and thus have new friends who are a better fit for the new you...

but unless you really sucked when you were with your old friends, or your old friends really suck, old friends are a gem.

they remind you of who you were, what your childhood ideals were, what made you become the you you are now....

they relate to your experiences in your younger days, most probably because they were right there with you... new experiences count as well, but you can't deny the person you used to be... unless you used to suck la, of course.

and you would also act as each other's yardsticks by which you can measure how far you've come along in life...

and they are also the people you know will enrich your life so much more, just by being there.

they are the ones you know who'll make life tons more bearable in the face of adversity.

not to mention how well you get along and share so many perspectives and are able to make each other laugh because you are the elite few who get each other's jokes, ya-huh. :D

so, to all my friends to whom i complain that i don't get to see you enough, that we haven't spent enough time together and lament about how short life is and how precious and fragile our friendship is.... it's because i really appreciate you. and you are the ones who are able to actually cause me hurt in any way.

i am emotionally invested in you. that's why i worry about my investment :P when i don't really care about what happens to other people, that's when i can be light-hearted and disconnected because they wouldn't really matter.

that's why i say that you are lucky when you hang out with the sad JO =\

i love you.

hmm, this sounds like a suicide note....

but maybe only metaphorically, maybe the old me is dying... maybe.